May is when I become anxious. Tho this sounds crazy, but become older is hideous for me. Hope I don’t have gerascophobia.
But this year, I’ve tried to accept the fact that age is just a matter of number (I think I’m trying to write falsity here). Perhaps, I always feel that I’m not that young to do THIS and THAT. Perhaps, I feel that I should do THIS and THAT earlier like years back. I should had attended a French class when I was 14. I should had travelled outside country when I was 16. I should had gotten my scholarship in Germany right after high school. I should had more stamps from Schengen countries on my passport when I was 23. I should had been married at 26. I should and other 100 shoulds. And here I am, standing at the age near two numbers that I always anxious about.
“But again, life has no blueprint right?”
Right now I’m not trying to write falsity. This year I feel I should be wiser to myself. I should be tougher enough to face this world than before. My personal reflection this year after my birthday three days ago is the title of this post: Save Myself. If you are wondering why I pick that, please listen to this (I could listen 100x a day, I’m serious). If I have to write a statement of mine inspired by that genius song it would be
“Sometimes in this life, we are too busy giving attentions to people we love or hate and forget how we should love ourself. It could be so exhausting if we did not realise how much we’ve ever given too much to people. Some of them would remember things you did. Most of them might be, would take it as granted. I didn’t say that we should not love or save someone else. It just reminds me on how it could be detrimental when we gave too much to other people or felt taken advantage of.
We really need to be wise when we want to save someone else, select the essential ones and do it full hearted“
Having few best friends that born on May give some sparks of happiness on me. Sending them wishes, birthday cakes and bad jokes in between, tho I’m living billion miles away like this, I always find it exciting. And also I want to thank to most of them that sent me beautiful wishes (almost shed a tear when I put on my internet back after worked day and night on 11!). From genk Sogeh, Mb Ika & Ita, Mb Ririn, Ayos, Shohib, Atre, Yuriko, Rifda, Ms Andhi, Judith from Spain (you’re too kind!), a voice message Andreas sent straight from Ljubljana, Teppo from Oulu, and some dropped on my Facebook wall. I grew up with no birthday celebrations (tho I do love to celebrate others!) but I got a wallet to replace the stolen one, maybe I could count him as a birthday gift for myself :).