When Friendship Turns To Blue

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There is one particular thing I learned when I have entered thirty.

If my opinion about this has become sharper than when I was on my twenties, it is just because life is full of lessons.


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I remember a talk with one of my good friends when I couldn’t answer him back a question. This happened when we were at university. We had a casual talk and a question about the way I thought about friendship appeared on the air. He asked, “So you are such a picky, you won’t call these friends as your friends? They must be good for you until you call them “friend”, huh?”

What he meant “these friends” were our friends in class.

In my mind was loudly echoed with an answer, “Of course they must be good that’s why there is the same word attached to it.”. But I couldn’t say anything. I thought twice on what to answer. Was I picky? Was I? I stayed silent. I thought my statement was wrong. Should have I opened a wide door for some people easily to be a friend with and told them “You all are my friends”?

Back then I was quiet. I wasn’t brave enough to say what I had in mind but time has taught me as growing older.

I have some personal thoughts about friendship which it’s been stored in my life dictionary for the last few years. Friendship has stages: a friend, a good friend and a best friend. The last one is formed by three essential things: heart, time and history. The heart gives you signs for good or bad, good and bad. Time is a key to why “just” a friend could be a good friend, and a good one could turn in to a best friend. History formed by times. History is what I value. And these three are flexible.

Looking at my different friendships from the past and present, there are tons of things I’ve learned including how important maintaining it because sometimes it goes low, sometimes is high. Friendship also has its own age, by remembering this we all know time is the essence. Never buy friendship, cause it has to be genuine and pure from both sides.

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Have you ever sat alone staring at the clear blue sky and thought of an old friend just popped up in mind? With some questions like how is he doing right now? Where is she living for all these years?

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Time is changing in flash. There was a time in silence I thought about how blue my friendship with a friend who used to spend hours and hours laughing on the phone when both had problems, something to say, or even for stupid jokes. We live a thousand miles apart yet distance and time zone do not matter. She was one of my best friends and still be, but our friendship has changed drastically. I used to think the way she disappeared was such vexatious reality which made it faded. I was like “I didn’t get it” in the beginning. Questions in mind for some mistakes I did, might be, disappearing in the dark.

I wondered if there were one or two things I did wrong. I wondered if it was just something she wanted by creating distance between us. I wondered and kept wondering until I stopped worrying about it. Our friendship was sweet but it didn’t have a long age as I thought it would be. Our friendship turned to blue and unfortunately, the blue was dark enough. Was I sad? Remembering the first time we met, together we travelled in our twenties, laughter on the mountain and sunshine we shared with fog on the lake, all those moments. I might be wrong expressing my feeling into words but I learned, no matter how much joys and tears we had in the past, nothing last forever.

I sometimes think the way it turned blue and later faded with no single trace is such a new lesson I must take. But I won’t let all the worries haunted me if, on the other side of our friendship, she didn’t feel the same. Just like a phone call, it can only last as long as the person on the other end of the line is willing to talk. As I will never buy a new friendship, I won’t begging for such a blue to be bright.

The feeling of loss is still there. One time in a darkened room, a restless thought was jumped in my mind.

 


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How about a dear friend I love right now, when will our healthy and bloomy friendship end? Three years? Five?

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I used to write It Feels Like An Autumn when I felt restless if my friendship with one of the very best friends would change bit by bit. He is one of the most important persons in my life. We have gone through monumental moments in life together. He was there when I was nothing. When I crawled to reach what I’m having this day. My insecurity was increased just because he started his new life chapter.

Let me take you to my mind.

As I am right now who do not think of marriage in the next few years, the feeling of loss is something I must take. As someone whose kindness is real to me decided to take a new life chapter as a family man, I felt insecure if we won’t have much time to talk like before. Or to even have a five minutes phone call. I was worried if someday the way we both walk in a very far distance without some hellos or goodnights. If you are having the same feeling with me, I need to tell you one thing; if the friendship is last for more than ten years, there is no need to worry too much for such things. I later realized that my friendship with him is still strong no matter how our life has changed. And that’s all because those three essential things: heart, time and history are all still solid. Our hearts are strongly connected. Time makes us closer while we cherish our friendship by creating more memories. People say by growing older your circle will be smaller, and that’s a hundred percent true.

We may not have a weekly phone call or even texting but when both minds are connected through the spirit, the friendship is real. I used to think about him if he was doing good one time in the afternoon. Five minutes later I saw his text of how are you appeared on my iPhone. That was enough to prove how strong the friendship we have until we ended by spending 45 minutes over the phone. Talking about life with laughter in between.

This heart-bounding moment also happened in another scene.

I’m currently having a three good year of friendship with a dear friend whose background and culture are totally different. If you read this blog, you might know how many times I’ve mentioned his name. As a genuine kind-hearted human being who I respect from the day we became friends, he taught me that our friendship must be mutual, it has to be two ways of love, respect, understanding and also communication.

There were few monumental moments I could count as true-friendship bond. And all of them were meant a lot to me. He was there when I failed on something important which I have waited for so long, twice. The first one was deep while the second almost made me crazy. I had fallen to pieces for this particular “thing”. He might not realise how much his text at 2am when all my fingers were frozen while writing a text of failure, meant to me. He might not realise his voice recording to cheering me up after the second fail was something I keep till date. Even though he always there when I need to talk, I feel something different recently.

The way I look at myself as someone who always asks his time to listen to my problem but never heard any of his, it takes me back to the meaning of mutual friendship. Do we really have this friendship? Am I become demanding? As I write this sentence I will be honest on this. I just feel that mutual friendship doesn’t really work both ways. If this is a weight scale, the left side is heavier than the right. I might be fallacious.

But it’s bothering me sometimes.

I used to take steps back when I was just about to call him for something. The reason why he was the correct person to talk to was that he has the experience. I’m sure if I did, he won’t mind picking my call. As we both are getting busier this day, I could include this as a perfect reason to leave the phone call hanging for some time. I am the kind of person who always asks for permission by text if I need to speak to my best friends, except there is something bad happens. Apart from that, it’s rude to make a call directly. This applies to him as well, particularly he is European. There is such a culture of politeness which is different from how Asian would take. The phone call never happened. I was wondering perhaps a part of me was trying to test the mutual friendship from his side by not making a call or sending a text.

From the day I had a will to ask a question till a month, he later sent me a text written in German. The funny thing was I thought about him an hour before I saw his text on my iPhone, wanted to find out if he was doing great but my fingers stopped typing so I went back to a thought of “is this mutual?”. And I still keep the question behind.

Till date, I’m still learning the state of this friendship. Perhaps, I should appreciate more to kind gesture as simple as a text of how are you after a while and count it as proof.

I do intensely cherish this precious bond though there are still many insecure feelings like, I never know how long this would last.

Divide Blue

 

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There was one colour popped out in my mind when I was about to repainting my room. It is one of my comfort colours after black and white; dark grey. I always find it classy and soothing. But I changed my mind.

Dark blue came as an option and ended with a colour accident. I got the blue (well, I didn’t go to get the paint. I wish I could that day), the blue was okay, it was quite dark but bright enough for a room. I worried if it was too dark it wouldn’t bring a good mood in the morning when the sunshine falls on it.



I always found the white before was great cause it was easy on the eye, versatile, and clean. Okay, the day to apply the blue I had to face one issue: it was not enough for one wall. I just wanted only one wall and the rest would be repainted on white. Long story short, I got somebody to get one more tin with the wrong blue which was ridiculous (he didn’t even bring the code to the store, Lord). I sent him again and got the same blue. Walla ;), the same blue looked different when I was applying on the first blue. Another issue. Problem solved by quick thinking: I mixed the wrong + the right blue and ended looking like the blue on Ed Sheeran’s Divide Album cover.

I found it was such a step from my comfort colour. It doesn’t look bad, does it?



I have two things to do every Sunday morning for this room: cleaning is compulsory, rearranging those things every week refreshes the look.


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Lazy Breakfast


When I was checking the date I took these photographs, I gasped a bit, ten days ago?


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I actually woke up with a will to make my day happier. That morning was cold after rain but thank God, the sunshine came through my windows. Of course I dreamt to be on the bed for a whole day but again, no free lunch.

 

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I do love preparing my breakfast like a normal human being. If I have to leave my apartment for work outside like 2 to 3 days you could imagine how bad I have to manage my meal. As long as I have a nine-to-six schedule that day, I’ll start building my mood with a cup of hot coffee, decent breakfast, favorite songs on my playlist called Morning Boosters.

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Two Nights At

Back to where I spent two nights in November last year.


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Even this sounds mainstream but Ubud would always be one of my favourite getaway destinations.

Ubud always has my heart. Last year after I had a very hectic, if this is another word to replace a hard time, I flew to Bali for five days and decided to respect myself by ran from affordable hostel to a little fancy private room. It’s called AIR Ubud, an artistic Airbnb (it was a second time after my first try of Airbnb in Cape Town) located at Jalan Kanjeng. It’s near downtown Ubud, but getting there a bit tricky at the beginning. Thanks to the host whose quick response was helpful.

I stayed only for two nights which later I felt the regret. Not because it was too short, but my plan to do nothing was totally failed. I was on vacation but had to do some design concepts for one renowned brand for their annual biggest concert. I had no choice but did the work for the office. Although the room was so cosy and gave me good energy to finish the work, I finally squeezed myself for having a me-time.

My me-time was set on the last night till the next morning before I checked out. I finished my work early morning on day 2 (ofc after I did sleep for three to four hours only) so I could have my nap. If you see the bed, you’ll understand why it was calling my name. Taking a proper nap when I’m having a vacation is one of the favourite things to do. Walking to Ubud downtown looking for lunch was the next thing I did, it wasn’t long of course cause it’s mandatory to relax in a beautiful place like AIR. Why bother leaving your room?

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I later had to tell myself on my way back coming to a restaurant nearby. I had Balinese mixed rice with a view the day before, rather than I came back with nothing, just in case I starved at midnight, I packed vegan fried rice (vegan, me? not now :)). It’s not funny to look for food while the location is a bit remote. The day became dark and as far as I remember, walking through the rice field was relaxing. Near the alley I had to pass, I found a torchlight rayed a spot on the ground which later I knew it was a little frog. Marian, a friendly lady from Spain, was the one who answered my curiosity about what someone did with a frog. From there, we spoke and shared some stories until the next day we had breakfast at the Cat Cafe. She travelled to some cities in Indonesia then (she was in Borneo to see Orang Utan. I should consider putting Borneo for a future destination).

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I came back to my room, having a packed dinner on the floor when I was on Skype with Andreas, and the rain was pouring outside.

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“I did find myself feeling comfortable when I stepped my feet in front of my room for the first time, I said, “it’s perfect”. Perhaps, I should have stayed one night longer”

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Canggu

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I was in between two things for the rest of my stay in Surabaya. Staying in the house, shopping some last minute needs, coffee hopping with friends. Or quick escape for the sound of the ocean, sunset at the beach, a little fancy food, alone. I had dreamed of spending three days in Lombok since my new friend, Hayyi, stays in Lombok. But that time, it didn’t go well. In my fickle heart, I picked the second option to Canggu: booked a return ticket and a $5 new hostel two days before departure (counted as a little present for myself after I passed my German Prüfung).

I did mostly nothing: napping, 5pm to the beach, 7am sitting at Avocado Factory and Shady Shack on the next day, cookies ice cream at Kynd Community, affordable Javanese food in between, looking at all those strangers with dogs happily running around by the water at the beach, back to Pison for a hot cappuccino before flying back to Surabaya.

The most favorite part of my quick escape: witnessing the glory of the sunset while thinking about life.


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“I came as the first. It has a rice field right in front of the small space where I ended sitting with a bowl of greens, vegan chocolate mousse, and a cup of matcha made in heaven. It was a perfect way to start a morning in Canggu.”

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“I sat alone on the balcony at Pison. An afternoon wind was quietly chilled. I opened a book and read a few pages, I looked at my wrist watch when I finished with my meal and left a little coffee in the cup.”

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“Two nights at Socialista Hostel Canggu where it was easy to reach the nearest beach and felt the breeze of the ocean. Thinking about life, about most things I experienced lately. That was the main reason why I grabbed my bag and did a very short runaway”

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“Updating sugar dose on one fine afternoon at Kynd”

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“At Shady Shack, I had a blueberry smoothie bowl with pineapple smoothie on my last morning after reading some pages of a current book I was having. The sunshine was bright before turned into grey with a little drizzle from above”

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“And I got what I imagined and expected for, two sunsets on my two evenings at the beach. When I was staring at the gift from the universe, I  felt there are so many things to be grateful for this worth living life.”

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Einem Deutschkurs Und Neue Freunde

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Soll ich im Deutsch schreiben? 

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I’ve been neglecting this blog for almost two months (that’s pretty bad) but right now I’d like to share some new life updates!

If you scroll to the last two posts, you’ll find “This time around, my time would be a little longer”. That means I have three months in Indonesia to be exact. Having such an opportunity to stay longer to finish a few things I’d been dreaming of comes to two things. One, you’ll never have enough time if you can’t cleverly manage to accomplish your goals. I did try from the first day I arrived even though it wasn’t such a pleasant time. I was sick from the day I travelled until it got worse when landed. I had to tweak my plan for three nights stay at the hotel from “I just wanted to laze a whole day as a reward” to “holy crap all my systems are weak, a fluffy white blanket couldn’t even warm me up”. Two, to enjoy every second of the day is a wise thing.

I do realize every time it comes to end: it is always hard. Here’s the middle of April, that means I would soon back to reality. Do I feel a bit maudlin? Yes, I do. Am I ready to be back to my daily routine? Well, I have to.

There are three major things that I put as goals for these three months. Thankfully, two have accomplished and one is still on. What is still on? It’s for my tiny house! Why was I so excited even though it was quite exhausting? Because I’d neglected it for more than two years ;|. I have finally started building the back part of the house where my little kitchen would be, my little ‘hopefully it would turn simply stylish’ bathroom as I thought, and the remaining space where I would have my dining room. Then what were the two?

The two were some mixed feeling of happiness and sadness. One, I finally made a spiritual trip to the holy Mecca last month which I would share the story on a separate post. Another one was I finally attended a German course while I’m here! It was a very basic A1 course which made me excitingly realize, learning a new language was stressfully fun. Stressful in a very good way, ofc.

The course itself was 4+ hours von Montag bis Freitag for almost two months. The class for me personally was perfect: there were just 9 students and that made our Super Intensive Class became very intensive. Apart from the main thing I liked when learning German (read: when I had to push my brain to follow the lessons, it’s a good thing when your brain is always being challenged, isn’t it?) I felt glücklich for all the eight new friends in the class and our teacher, Frau Yusi. All of us were pretty close and that was a great vibe if I may say.

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On the first day I came, I was quite surprised by the fact that most of them already had their plans on what to reach in Germany. That was impressive, isn’t it? If you are wondering “how about me”, I honestly thought about having my Master Degree in Germany (fingers crossed) in the next two years (Ich hoffe nächste Jahr! *fingerscrossedagain). So I took a chance to learn the basic which I’m still struggling on the Grammatik and German Artikels as a first step to reach later on I called my next dream. Forty-plus days have gone so fast and it led to the time we’d planned as a lovely Mittagessenzeit two days ago :)

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Rather than starting the maudlin vibe here, it’s much better to share more photographs during our time together for the sake of beautiful memory.

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I’ll miss how hilarious Firman truly is, how impatiently Hayyi to Frau Endang ;), funny words from Klein, sharing laughter with Ivan, Ratri and Frau Yusi. Oh, I couldn’t resist attaching Tika & Adit’s last photograph again, I’m surely going to miss this cute young married couple ;)

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When I woke up yesterday morning, I already missed my schedule when I was still in the course. The games in the class, stupid jokes, impromptu trips, täglich Hausaufgaben, fun times after class from culinary hunting till crazy vibe in the karaoke room (I was glad we made the time to do that, Van!), all were pretty unforgettable.

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There are so much to learn and I’m really looking forward to planning to the next grade hopefully next year. Apart from the main reason to reach the next dream to study in Germany, to be able to speak German fluently would be wunderbar. The latest thing I need to push myself on is for die Prüfung next week. Wish me luck!

Slow Time In Cape Town

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I’m writing this post when travel bugs around me are flying higher. I think it’s such a good sign to hurry packing a bag pack and explore somewhere new.

This might be the last post I dedicated for a pretty city called Cape Town. Last year during this time, I was in my room thinking about a destination. Few choices, few new places in mind. I was pretty excited as always to start browsing where are the hits coffee shops in town, museums I needed to pay a visit, how about outfits to bring, and of course, thinking about how my indulgence in photography would be stronger.

Cape Town as I mentioned a few times on previous posts was beautiful. Having a week there was a cup of tea. Combination of nice weather (clear sky, tho sometimes was too-chill in the evening), delicious food, picturesque landscapes, freedom to visit and documented places as I wished without a schedule. I loved it when I woke up a bit late and took a good coffee nearby. I loved it when I didn’t need to rush because of drizzling and enjoyed the vibe after rain without an umbrella. I loved it when I went to a supermarket at noon and stood confusingly choosing what to eat. I loved it when I went to places and got photographs of Cape Town. All of these make me want to, let me repeat from above; make me want to pack my bag and explore somewhere new sooner than later.

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Colors I saw after I had a very quality breakfast and coffee at Truth


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To be honest I was quite disappointed with what I found “just this?” at Boo-Kap. Good news, it wasn’t far from where I stayed


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A little fancy brunch at Hemelhvijs (the ceiling has dry colorful hydrangeas). That day was very windy so I ordered hot Srilankan tea


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It was a lovely and calming time at Honest Chocolate. Perhaps, it was the most favorite time I had when in Cape Town. I sat beside the window with cappuccino and banana cake when it was drizzling outside


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Two photographs I took at one shop and one restaurant at V&A Waterfront 


 

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Strolling at Cape Town Civic Centre after visiting Ramadhan bazaar where I met one Indonesian lady selling Indonesian food


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Okay, last ones. These were taken near where I stayed. Last morning and last sunset


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