An Early Self Note



“You have been treating everyone at the office like a shit.”, somebody said to me one time at the church.



It was in the evening, and I tried to absorb what was this someone just said with an open heart and big ears.

I thought about it when I was still working on something that evening. My body was a bit exhausted while my brain was a bit full from everything I faced that day. I was glad at the time I listened to what this someone said about me. It was such a reminder on what I perhaps didn’t realise I did. I sent a text to one of my colleagues minutes later just to figure out if she has the same opinion. Although I prefer us to keep texting about characters on Sex Education and when season 3 is going to start, receiving another thought from her in which she agreed at some points was such a good thing. When I looked down at people working under me, how I reacted in a stressful situation which it happens all the time, how perhaps my cheesy jokes won’t land as stupid jokes but hurtful ones, et cetera, et cetera.

On my way home I was still thinking about it. I’m living with a funny season called Harmattan right now when sometimes it gives me a free feverish vibe and the dust I hate. That evening around nine thirty I was in the car with an open window cause the AC is still faulty. Then I remember this sentence on reputation prologue written by Taylor Swift:


.“We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us. We know our friend in a certain light, but we don’t know them the way their lover does.

Just the way their lover will never know them the same way that you do as their friend.”


The prologue is amazing and geniusly written. The fact of what she mentioned in the first sentence was what has been stuck in my head from the first time I read. That is related to what this somebody who said I treated people like shit might have only seen the worst part of me where my best friends have found the best of me. And life will always give you two sides of the coin no matter what. I personally took the thought of hers as a lesson of self-reflection. I keep looking down at what I have ever done to people I knew from the past, people I didn’t really have strong connections in life with, people I met only a few hours and disappeared with a trace of memories, someone I called a stranger who just turned me might be to open to a new friendship after he first sent me “Hello.”, somebody who used to drive me who ended calling me “Fucking Indonesian!.”, somebody who used to drive me too which out of the blue called me on the phone just to greet with how are you in between, and another somebody and another somebody.

After I looked at how I had faced a different kind of human beings in my life through the best and the worst then I found a thought I should be stick to, always.


“No matter what people think about you, look at you from a different angle they choose to stand from, they will always have their rights to either value or hate you. You will never can pleased everyone cause you were not born with that such of responsibility. You were not.

As for how they have their rights, you also have your own to be used to decide on how you want to value your life. Just remember that in life you will always have good and bad days, you will always meet kind and mean human beings, you will always face sadness and happiness, you will always have choices to be made for your dreams, you will always have choices to be a winner or a loser. Everything depends on you cause you are you.”.


I took it as a reminder on what I actually see in a real life where I will always have a choice about who I want to be a friend with, a choice of being firm to change something wrong to the right even though people will hate me, to listen or to ignore to someone who talks something hurt yet I do not know her that much. Either to build a castle out of the bricks people throw at me, or crying out loud and ask for sympathy. What I know in life, when you are still having freedom to speak, freedom to react and stand on something right and say it loud without fear, freedom to choose what’s best for you, you are free. You are rich.

I ask myself to be firmer and stronger to life this time.

If I wish you a happy new year, I might be late aber kein Problem, I wish you a more prosperous one!

When Friendship Turns To Blue



There is one particular thing I learned when I have entered thirty.

If my opinion about this has become sharper than when I was on my twenties, it is just because life is full of lessons.


I remember a talk with one of my good friends when I couldn’t answer him back a question. This happened when we were at university. We had a casual talk and a question about the way I thought about friendship appeared on the air. He asked, “So you are such a picky, you won’t call these friends as your friends? They must be good for you until you call them “friend”, huh?”

What he meant “these friends” were our friends in class.

In my mind was loudly echoed with an answer, “Of course they must be good that’s why there is the same word attached to it.”. But I couldn’t say anything. I thought twice on what to answer. Was I picky? Was I? I stayed silent. I thought my statement was wrong. Should have I opened a wide door for some people easily to be a friend with and told them “You all are my friends”?

Back then I was quiet. I wasn’t brave enough to say what I had in mind but time has taught me as growing older.

I have some personal thoughts about friendship which it’s been stored in my life dictionary for the last few years. Friendship has stages: a friend, a good friend and a best friend. The last one is formed by three essential things: heart, time and history. The heart gives you signs for good or bad, good and bad. Time is a key to why “just” a friend could be a good friend, and a good one could turn in to a best friend. History formed by times. History is what I value. And these three are flexible.

Looking at my different friendships from the past and present, there are tons of things I’ve learned including how important maintaining it because sometimes it goes low, sometimes is high. Friendship also has its age, by remembering this we all know time is the essence. Never buy friendship, cause it has to be genuine and pure from both sides.



Have you ever sat alone staring at the clear blue sky and thought of an old friend just popped up in mind? With some questions like how is he doing right now? Where is she living for all these years?



Time is changing in flash. There was a time in silence I thought about how blue my friendship with a friend who used to spend hours and hours laughing on the phone when both had problems, something to say, or even for stupid jokes. We live a thousand miles apart yet distance and time zone do not matter. She was one of my best friends and still be, but our friendship has changed drastically. I used to think the way she disappeared was such vexatious reality which made it faded. I was like “I didn’t get it” at the beginning. Questions in mind for some mistakes I did, might be, disappearing in the dark.

I wondered if there were one or two things I did wrong. I wondered if it was just something she wanted by creating distance between us. I wondered and kept wondering until I stopped worrying about it. Our friendship was sweet but it didn’t have a long age as I thought it would be. Our friendship turned to blue and unfortunately, the blue was dark enough. Was I sad? Remembering the first time we met, together we travelled in our twenties, laughter on the mountain and sunshine we shared with fog on the lake, all those moments. I might be wrong expressing my feeling into words but I learned, no matter how much joys and tears we had in the past, nothing lasts forever.

I sometimes think the way it turned blue and later faded with no single trace is such a new lesson I must take. But I won’t let all the worries haunted me if, on the other side of our friendship, she didn’t feel the same. Just like a phone call, it can only last as long as the person on the other end of the line is willing to talk. As I will never buy a new friendship, I won’t be begging for such a blue to be bright.

The feeling of loss is still there. One time in a darkened room, a restless thought was jumped in my mind.


How about a dear friend I love right now, when will our healthy and bloomy friendship end? Three years? Five?



I used to write It Feels Like An Autumn when I felt restless if my friendship with one of the very best friends would change bit by bit. He is one of the most important persons in my life. We have gone through monumental moments in life together. He was there when I was nothing. When I crawled to reach what I’m having this day. My insecurity was increased just because he started his new life chapter.

Let me take you to my mind.

As I am right now who do not think of marriage in the next few years, the feeling of loss is something I must take. As someone whose kindness is real to me decided to take a new life chapter as a family man, I felt insecure if we won’t have much time to talk like before. Or to even have a five minutes phone call. I was worried if someday the way we both walk in a very far distance without some hellos or goodnights. If you are having the same feeling with me, I need to tell you one thing; if the friendship lasts for more than ten years, there is no need to worry too much for such things. I later realized that my friendship with him is still strong no matter how our life has changed. And that’s all because those three essential things: heart, time and history are all still solid. Our hearts are strongly connected. Time makes us closer while we cherish our friendship by creating more memories. People say by growing older your circle will be smaller, and that’s a hundred and ten percent true.

We may not have a weekly phone call or even texting but when both minds are connected through the spirit, the friendship is real. I used to think about him if he was doing good one time in the afternoon. Five minutes later I saw his text of how are you appeared on my iPhone. That was enough to prove how strong the friendship we have until we ended by spending 45 minutes over the phone. Talking about life with laughter in between.

This heart-bounding moment also happened in another scene.

I’m currently having a three good year of friendship with a dear friend whose background and culture are totally different. If you read this blog, you might know how many times I’ve mentioned his name. As a genuine kind-hearted human being who I respect from the day we became friends, he taught me that our friendship must be mutual, it has to be two ways of love, respect, understanding and also, communication.

There were few monumental moments I could count as true-friendship bond. And all of them meant a lot to me. He was there when I failed on something precious which I had waited for so long. The worse part it had happened twice. The first one was deep, while the second torn me to pieces. I had fallen for this particular “thing”. He might not realize how much his text at 2 AM when all my fingers were frozen while writing a text of failure meant to me. He might not realize his voice recording to cheering me up after the second failure was something I keep till date. Even though he always there when I need to talk, I feel something different recently.

The way I look at myself as someone who always asks his time to listen to my problem but never heard any of his, it takes me back to the meaning of mutual friendship. Do we really have this friendship? Or am I become demanding? As I write this sentence I will be honest and raw on this. I just feel that mutual friendship doesn’t really work both ways. If this is a weight scale, the left side is heavier than the right. I might be fallacious.

But it’s bothering me sometimes if it’s not most of the times.

I used to take steps back when I was just about to call him for something just because he was the correct person to talk to. I’m sure if I did, he won’t mind picking my call. As we both are getting busier this day, I could include this as a perfect reason to leave the phone call hanging for months. I am the kind of person who always asks for permission by text if I need to speak to my best friends, except there is something bad happens. Apart from that, it’s rude to make a call directly, this just me. It applies to him as well, particularly he is European. There is such a culture of politeness which is different from how Asian would take. As much as I seriously take this reason for politeness, the phone call never happened. I was wondering perhaps a part of me was trying to test the mutual friendship from his side by not making a call or sending a text.

From the day I had a will to ask a question till a month, he later sent me a text written in German. And this is the funny thing. I thought about him an hour before I saw his text on my iPhone wanted to find out if he was doing great. But my fingers stopped typing so I went back to a thought of “Is this mutual?”. Funny enough, I still keep the question behind with a vocabulary of touchy on it.

Till date, I’m still learning the state of this friendship. Perhaps, I should appreciate more to kind gesture as simple as a text of how are you after a while and count it as proof.

I do intensely cherish this precious bond though there are still many insecure feelings like, I never know how long this friendship would last.

It Feels Like An Autumn


“I’m ready for everything, in case it happens very soon.”



Someone asked me ~with all her worries~ this question: how would I feel if one of my very, I mean it, very very best friends steps back out of a zone we both called a friendship after he married?

With a little smile, I could only show my feeling. Even though I knew it’s going to be hard.

I do realize when we grow old our circle becomes smaller. And with that, we all know that our heart could clearly find those we could called as best friends. It might not be a bunch, but they are enough to be counted with our fingers. Her question was such a bullet in a daydream. I knew what I always wanted to say, “I’m ready for everything, in case it happens very soon.” Perhaps it’s really easy just to say in words but not in heart. Perhaps it’s easy to accept a nonsense reason such as, distance becomes a big deal. Sometimes I pretend myself.

She was quite very emotional if she lost him for the sake of that long time friendship, too. The way we think might be different but we both know it isn’t that easy looking at someone we know for years has changed a little, become someone else. A stranger per se. But someone has chosen his path, with all dreams he wanted to share with someone we don’t know. Marriage life might change him as a person but what I know, even when I feel my own shiver in autumn, I would never forget his kindness. I would never erase our moments we spent together those days. Midnight. Drizzles. Sunset. Final year. Stupids. Hard times. Everything that has scored in my heart.

This is why its called a life, isn’t it?

I’m Brave Enough To Learn These



Have you ever pretended yourself by accepting some lies and still feel ok?



If you did, stop pretending.

I believe every corner of this life always has two parts: Bright and dark. High and low. Far and close, you mention.

I also believe everywhere on this earth, people are the same. There are always bad and good people. I, honestly, truly believe every single person I’ve met or/and I’ll meet will always teach me a lesson. Either good or bad, it would still become a lesson. Here on this page, I’d like to share something around personal thought of mine about what I had experienced lately. This is a general thought on how I had a certain attitude to an issue with someone who later I realized was such the worst liar I ever met. I must admit it has become one of the bitterest lessons in my social life.

It was started on usual colleagueship, time flies and ended with something bad happened between us. The worst part of it (in my opinion) was this someone doesn’t even realize what he did wrong. If I may say, he pretends by ignoring his bad manner by being a liar. I won’t write our problem clearly here to shorten the story and concentrate more on the lessons. I’ve never been so mad to someone before this till I do not really care if somebody at the office thinks I’m not professional keeping a distance to this “someone” till right now by not separating our private issue with professional life.

I have opened my eyes clearly that this has to end with lessons:

  • When someone lied to you once, it’s okay to forgive. But if someone lied to you twice, and thrice, and you still feel ok, STOP PRETEND you are okay. It is definitely wrong. Follow your feeling. I personally can’t stand for a liar. I know as a human I would never be perfect, we all won’t. As people said, err is human. We all make mistakes. We sometimes would lie to someone in circumstances but don’t make lying’s such a habit. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do, do forgive but to forget is another matter
  • I had a conclusion after I thought about this problem, I opened my eyes that staying away from human being like him is a wise choice. I gave a second chance for a good colleagueship cum friendship but it didn’t work till I stood on a stage of “It is your right to erase someone in your life”, sounds that bad? Truth. Don’t look for a foe, life is too short. When you meet with a liar whose lies are endless, step back, stay away, and if you think to erase him/her is the best choice THEN DO. This may sound a bit hard but remember: to live your life is your own business
  • My close friends may know I often say, “Let me enjoy today like tomorrow doesn’t exist” meaning that I do teach myself by remembering today is the only day I live, every single day. And as I said, life is too short. My choice to give gap and distance with a liar is a wise one (the bad thing is we meet everyday in the office, f*ck). Instead, focus to live my best life with people I love and respect is the only choice to stay happy
  • Speak up. Don’t be scared to say something you don’t like or feel wrong. If you have spoken to someone you are having a problem with, and he/she still do the same thing, then stop it. If you have tried giving his/her a second chance and it didn’t work then DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. It is better to move on searching for happiness than living with bad feelings. Remember, don’t look for foe :) cause it’s not healthy living with heartaches :)


Because when trust is broken, sorry means nothing.

A Poem For The Brave


You crumbled my emotional dreams

You made me cried overnight

Few times

It was casually cruel, to be honest

Till I felt “it’s okay, to give up”

You gave me some heartaches, deep down to my heart

But that’s okay

You taught me how to stand straighter after crawling

from falling

Thank you for all those moments

For all those ups and downs

For all those random human beings

And let us became friends

Some have become my best friends

For giving me opportunities to see other parts of this earth

Thank you

I’ll let you show some shines and I know

you will give me some differences in my life

Let most of them be adventurous

Which could make me pursue

To always give my very best


It’s All Right

My life’s such a roller coaster recently. Many things happened, good and bad. Some were worse than I could imagine. But like what people say, this is a journey.

Sometimes I’ll win, sometimes I’ll lose. That’s okay. That’s how life teaches me. Just like you, I’m a human. I’ll cry when it’s time to cry yet I should always try to enjoy this life as often as I can. 

“You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible” ~ Jojo Moyes 



It’s July!

Okay, 2017 you are flying too fast. Can’t believe six months just gone like that. Man, I mean, July?

I have been living in a quite though life since eighteen hours ago. Came back home by 3am after long Saturday with last-minute notice for the work (like always), the air was cold (and I kinda missed my friend, Hasan, when I was on my way home, literally) and woke up at 7am with homeworks on my mind. But that is fine, still feeling grateful for everything. At least, I could manage myself for 2 hours sleep from 10am to 12pm, finished my homework by 4pm (as I scheduled), now time to do my personal homework.

But wait, think I should enjoy this afternoon with a slice of banana cake I baked (yes, I kinda addicted with baking recently! this one is the best so far!) with a cup of hot chocolate before continuing my personal homework.

I probably a bit slow updating this page on July yet I’m hoping I can face a new week by accomplishing so many important things both in my work and personal. Wish me luck!

Reflection: Save Myself

May is when I become anxious. Tho this sounds crazy, but become older is hideous for me. Hope I don’t have gerascophobia.

But this year, I’ve tried to accept the fact that age is just a matter of number (I think I’m trying to write falsity here). Perhaps, I always feel that I’m not that young to do THIS and THAT. Perhaps, I feel that I should do THIS and THAT earlier like years back. I should had attended a French class when I was 14. I should had travelled outside country when I was 16. I should had gotten my scholarship in Germany right after high school. I should had more stamps from Schengen countries on my passport when I was 23. I should had been married at 26. I should and other 100 shoulds. And here I am, standing at the age near two numbers that I always anxious about.


“But again, life has no blueprint right?”


Right now I’m not trying to write falsity. This year I feel I should be wiser to myself. I should be tougher enough to face this world than before. My personal reflection this year after my birthday three days ago is the title of this post: Save Myself. If you are wondering why I pick that, please listen to this (I could listen 100x a day, I’m serious). If I have to write a statement of mine inspired by that genius song it would be


“Sometimes in this life, we are too busy giving attentions to people we love or hate and forget how we should love ourself. It could be so exhausting if we did not realise how much we’ve ever given too much to people. Some of them would remember things you did. Most of them might be, would take it as granted. I didn’t say that we should not love or save someone else. It just reminds me on how it could be detrimental when we gave too much to other people or felt taken advantage of.

We really need to be wise when we want to save someone else, select the essential ones and do it full hearted

Having few best friends that born on May give some sparks of happiness on me. Sending them wishes, birthday cakes and bad jokes in between, tho I’m living billion miles away like this, I always find it exciting. And also I want to thank to most of them that sent me beautiful wishes (almost shed a tear when I put on my internet back after worked day and night on 11!). From genk Sogeh, Mb Ika & Ita, Mb Ririn, Ayos, Shohib, Atre, Yuriko, Rifda, Ms Andhi, Judith from Spain (you’re too kind!), a voice message Andreas sent straight from Ljubljana, Teppo from Oulu, and some dropped on my Facebook wall. I grew up with no birthday celebrations (tho I do love to celebrate others!) but I got a wallet to replace the stolen one, maybe I could count him as a birthday gift for myself :).

I’m Thankful I’m Still Breathing

Today is one of those days that broke my heart.


As a person who believes that the process to get to a place or a thing is more essential than the result itself, I still feel this is hard cause in the end, the result that matters. I might be strong enough to let it happened if it had to be happened like this.

Though I’m aware that it’s still not easy to accept a thing called failure.

A note to myself today is that I have to be ready for good and bad things may happen in my life. Sometimes I think that is the beauty of life when I can experience the ups and downs. I have failed today, gosh it feels bad!, yet I’m pretending that I’m okay. I know, what I need to do next is to get up and try it again because it is allowed to dream big. I may have to crawl, climb, fall, and cry for my dreams but what I know, as long as I’m breathing, God is with me.



Lagos, 9:23 PM.



The fact that I always hate to be older when a new year comes, there are few things left in my heart last year. Despite that I’m just a human like you, I did have ups and downs that right now I did realise they made 2016 was even more colourful.

Here are 16 personal thoughts of mine that worth to be remembered and to be grateful for on 2016:

1. Still healthy and that’s the most important I think

2. Got my very own house before 30 on January, though I still have a lot of homework to make it as close as I imagined what a real ‘home’ is

3. I couldn’t ask more than a complete family, though I did shock (and almost cried) with the fact that one of my sisters was diagnosed with cancer just two days before I flew back to Africa, it didn’t stop me to be grateful for this life cause God is in control. There is a reason why I wrote the first statement the way it is because health is the real wealth

4. I did make a simple family vacation with my mom and my siblings came true. Had no regret though I thought about it since four years ago

5. Travelled to Japan alone and fell in love with the country (and I’m gonna back this year too! hopefully!)

6. Met with some travellers from different countries and became really good friends till right now. This makes me believe that there are still a lot of kind humans in this world

7. This may sound so cheesy (sorry) but bought a simple gold ring for my Mom as a gift was one the most simply beautiful thing I did this year. It wasn’t expensive (as I did wish I could buy a diamond, someday!) yet hopefully, she knew how much I love her

8. There were few of my Mom’s siblings had passed away in 2016 and it made me realised that having complete parents is the real gift I should thank more

9. Still had opportunities catching up and keeping the friendships with cool peeps but sad in the same time for the one I couldn’t meet (hello Giri, Atre, Yuriko!, we must meet this year mbak Ika!)

10. I found out the name of a place that the picture has been on my mind since I was a kid called Hallstatt in Austria. A dream place where I want to spend the day by staring at the lake with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand (let’s see if this dream comes true this year!)

 11. The time when I was so restless whether I had to come back to Africa or not because I felt insecure to lead my department with fewer supports. I thought it was so scary but my decision to try made me believe more than ever that I’m strong enough to still stand in this country, working professionally

12. Had the courage to sing in front of people at the Indonesian Embassy here, finally (:P)

13. I did Qur’ban after I was off in 2015, last year was the first I did outside Indonesia. I felt grateful for that

14. Made a little surprise with Winda and Maya for one our very best friends, Ruli, on his birthday by sending him a green tea cheese cake (oh fatty! :P). When I saw his face on the picture they shared on our chat-group, it made me think to do more often for more of my best friend (my new very good friend, too!)

15. Should I mention that 2 pictures liked by Alice Gao on IG were worth to be remembered cause she’s like a real star now? nah?




16. Still sharing pieces of my life on this blog with you guys :* (thanks for whosoever who pay a visit!)

17. Falling love with a stranger


Before I forget, I wish you a better New Year guys! Let’s see what 2017 has for us!